Friday, December 31, 2010
1move by valentines day. technically I did move on Feb 1 but had to move back in Moved back but was out again by July. I'm counting this a success.
2. go on more dates. I think we could have been better about this but we still had a few.
3. I had three goals having to do with being a better mom more patient, less TV time more activities. These didn't go so well but to be honest I'm just glad I made it through this year. I also got Bella into school which gives her more socialization and activities.
4. do a 5k. technically I was there but I was pushed in a wheelchai the whole way but again not my choice or fault.
5. drink less soda. This one I failed at. Its my fault
So as a whole I didn't do so well but I only had a month before the stroke so I didn't have a real year to get things accomplished.
So I'm going to make new resolutions for this year and I hope I get the full year to do them I hope to make a post about them tomorrow
Friday, December 17, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Because what I’ve learned most is that if I have this I’m going to end up all right.
I'm finally starting to get back into taking pictures and enjoying things again. Hopefully that means I will post more and have more of Isabella and my life to share soon. It all kind of disappeared for awhile after the stroke but I'm slowly getting there.
Monday, August 30, 2010
I’ve also discovered a backbone in myself that’s never been there before. I have discovered how to stand up for myself which I’ve never done before. I’ve realized that there is some fight in me and I will take out whoever is in my way of getting better. I’m still sensitive but I’m beginning to discover that I have to be just as worried about my feelings as I am about everyone else’s.
I hope there’s more and that things get better from this point forward.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
1. I need to commit to getting my arm and leg stronger. The stronger they get the more connections being made to my brain, so the more I will be able to use them In order to do this I need to start really pushing myself in therapy and to do my at home exercises. I was never big on exercise before so its no surprise that I don’t want to do it now.
2. I need to get healthy emotionally. The depression is making it hard to work my hardest. I need to find the right medication and the right therapist. I’m working on finding what works for me. I also need to find a way to make myself happier. If you are reading this give me suggestions. I need fresh ideas. Leave a comment
3. I need to organize this house its hard and I am trying but I am not doing great. I have found some organizing websites so hopefully I will get some ideas to help me.
So here is my attempt to take a first step. Towards a better life.
So any ideas would be appreciated.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I also love that we moved. Our move there is so much more to be done but we are getting there. It happened and I survived. There were moments of nervousness where I was afraid that history would find a way to repeat itself. Not so much that another stroke would happen, although that thought was there, but more so that something would happen to pull the rug out from underneath me again. That I would get so close and everything would fall apart again. I knew that I had more control this time. That we had more help and support than last time. The stress could be kept under control this time which would go a long way to keeping me ok. So it happened. All of the stuff has been moved and we are starting to unpack and organize. It’s a big project and I’m getting a lot of help because there is no way I could do it alone. I will have pictures of it at some point bit I’m not ready to share. I need to do more to make it feel like mine.
Photography something else love but haven’t been sharing much of lately. My slowness makes me insecure when taking pictures so there are less to share. As I can move better and quicker I hope to do more. I so deeply believe in photographing your life, especially the lives of children. It changes so fast and I want to capture it. Trap these moments in her life when she’s little and mine and keep them a while longer. The time will come soon enough where my presence is no longer wanted so I want these moments now to last.
Cousins. So many good cousin moments coming up for Bella. She is going to Disneyland for three days with Maryssa. She doesn’t know this. To spare me the never ending question if it’s today that she gets to go. Then Kilee gets her cast off at the end of the month. These two girls want to play and run together and finally they will have the chance. My baby’s joy is my joy and I can’t wait for her to have these moments.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
So now the plan is to learn to relax. To plan and be organized so that there is less to be stressed about. Through my occupational rehab we are working on guided imagery to bring my heart rate down, help my breathing level out. Then to be able to focus on one problem or concern at a time and put the rest away.
I’m also a big fan of distraction. My new way to distract is by checking out blogs. There are so many beautiful, funny and inspiring blogs to read out there.
A few of my favorites:
1 http://www.kellehampton.com/ Enjoying the small things. An amazing blog that is a pleasure to read. It also is full of wonderful photography which I am inspired by. Check it out and enjoy. So many amazing ideas about things to do with Isabella and how to just be happier.aslso a big source of inspiration in my own blog. She is who I would choose to be when I grow up if I coulld choose.
2. http://celebrationsathome.blogspot.com/ Fun site with lots of party ideas. Also has some great pictures. Might even try a few with Isabella’s birthday coming up soon.
3. http://www.cakewrecks.com/ a hilarious blog about horrible professional cakes.
4. http://www.knock-offwood.com/ a blog about building furniture. Someday I hope to try to build something off of here.
There are so many more but these are a few that I visit frequently. My hope is also to keep working on my blog and pursuing photography. It isn’t easy for me to take pictures now with how week my hand is. The hope is someday to have people come to my blog and be inspired by what I have to say and what I do. The next few years are going to be quite a journey. Hopefully how I handle it and what I make from it will help someone. If you have a favorite blog please leave a link to it in the comments. I would love to hear of some new blogs I haven’t discovered yet.
I will not post for a few days with moving. But hopefully will have some pictures of the new place when I return.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
To be specific. There is an amazing community of moms online who have offered support to me during this difficult time in my life. Sometimes just knowing that I can reach out and vent gets me through a bad moment. To know that there are virtual hugs and someone to read my words is enough. There is also a community of other people who have had strokes that I am starting to get into. Just knowing that my struggle is not unique that others have been here before and made it to the other side gives me strength.
Also a thank you to kaitlyn. We were friends in high school and through the years drifted apart. She and I have become friends again and the timing could not be better. Oh how I need a friend right now. I feel so alone in this. Even with support there are so many moments of sadness and loneliness. Having regular girl time is something I didn’t give myself in my life before the stroke but am so grateful for now. I’ve never let myself gather friends to have around me to lean on. It’s a challenge for me to trust and to be vulnerable in showing my disabilities. I have been able to do this with Kaitlyn and am learning to feel safe in having friends. To know that there are people to turn to when I need help and to cheer me up when I am sad.
As far as family goes there are many to be thankful and lots that I’m not thankful for.
Let’s start with Blake. We weren’t solid before this. We should have gotten help long ago but we didn’t. It’s easy to put the blame on Blake but I could have sought out help on my own but I always wait for Blake to be strong for me instead of being strong for myself. I haven’t been easy to deal with, or very nice since the stroke. I carry around a lot of anger and it when it breaks free it lands on whose closest which is normally him. He could have walked away. It would have been easier than dealing with me. But he’s stuck around and is with me in fighting for a new life. I don’t thank him enough but I should. There are others who have abandoned me along the way since my stroke but he hasn’t. I hope that we get to a place where we can be really happy and enjoy life but I am thankful that through this mountain of pain, sadness and fear I have him with me.
My parents I am also incredibly thankful for. They let us live with them all though it was a burden. I am not kidding when I say I am not easy to be around right now. I am angry and depressed. They have put up with this and more. Now they are helping me with moving out. With me not being able to work or drive moving out is nearly impossible but they are helping us find a way. Also my grandparents have been an amazing help to Blake and I. There is a certain amount of pride I have had to let go of these last five months. I have had to reach out and ask for help. I want to do it on my own and it’s a constant struggle to not be able to. But I have asked and all of these amazing people have stepped up and helped us how they can.
Also to all those who have said a kind word to me either on the computer or when I’ve seen you. To everyone who has said a prayer for me thanks. I truly believe I have been helped with all this love and positive energy.
Now to the person who deserves the biggest thanks. My wonderful Isabella. Someday when you are older I will tell you of how you saved me. There have been so many moments when everything in me wants to quit. When getting up to fight another day in the battle of getting well seems to be too much. It is always a choice I could choose to hide my head under the blankets and stay in bed but it’s you who pulls me up and gets me moving. You deserve to have me back and to have me whole. So I thank you my little bug for being you and being mine. I hope someday there is someone who does for you what you’ve done for me. Being a mother, your mother saved me. Your smile, your hugs, the way you worry about me and want me to get better. Sweetheart I couldn’t have made it this far without you. You gave me the strength IU didn’t know I had to fight. Stick with me baby and someday I will come all the way back to you. I will make up this year to you somehow.
So to those reading this. Leave me a comment. I need some of that support right now. Moving is pushing me to the brink of an anxiety attack.
Friday, June 25, 2010
first I am excited. We want to be on our own. I am grateful that we have been able to live with my parents. I couldn't have gone home with just Blake and Bella. I needed help and was lucky to have it. But living with your parents with your husband and child is hard. We need our space and I am so glad to be able to move.
but there is some guilt because we are still going to be recieving help financially from family as well as support with taking care of things that I can't do, like cooking and some cleaning. Once I get disability which will hopefully be coming in the next couple months we wont need help. Also Blake is looking for a second job which will allow us to not need as much financial help. I just struggle with guilt over not being able to work.
I also have a good amount of fear. We were so close with moving into the apartment and then my world exploded. I'm not exactly afraid of another stroke but just of something coming along to take away this opportunity. I have a hard time trusting anything good right now. Hopefullyafter we get moved in and nothing bad happens I will begn to trust again.
I'm in therapy to help me with all of these emotions as well as all the others that I go through with dealing with the stroke. I have been trying to work through them but a lot of change and no stability in my world scares me. I hope to be able to use this blog to journal what I'm going through and to share our joy with this move.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
It is hard I have lost just about all muscle tone in my body. Since the left side of my body doesn’t move well I haven’t used it much. My strength is all but gone and my endurance is very low and I fatigue easily. I have both types of rehab three times a week for 45 minutes each. Back to back. I am usually pretty tired and sore afterwards. I have a at home routine for my lower and upper left side. Only working out one side of my body leaves me with a fear that I will be horribly uneven with a strong left side and a week right side. I am also going to be starting horse therapy sometime soon. It should help me get some strength in my core as well as improve my walking. Having never really spent much time around horses we shall see how this goes. It should be fun and anything that helps me recover that is also enjoyable I am willing to try. Plus Isabella will enjoy getting to see the horses and watching me ride. I'm trying to do morephysical things, swimming and walking around more to build up my endurance.
I hope to see great improvements over this summer. With the big hope being to be walking in a couple months. Oh how I miss being able to walk. You take it for granted being able to walk. To just go where you want to go when you want to. For those of you who can walk appreciate that and try not to take it for granted. I know I didn’t value being able to but why would I. Who would ever think to appreciate something that comes so naturally?
if something makes me sad I become overwhelmed with sadness the same with anger So for now I'm going to try to keep my emotions guarded for fear that the next time something goes wrong I will not be able to stay in control of my emotions So for now I’m working on Happiness. With the hope that by overwhelming myself with positive emotions I won’t have as much room for negative ones. Also by confronting what hurts me and trying to limit the amount of negativity and pain created by those around me There is a certain amount of “fake it till you make it going on around here” If I just keep believing that I’m happy and ok then maybe I will start actually being happy and ok. There can’t be too much happiness or too much love so if I have to be overwhelmed by emotions and feelings I choose those ones.
So I’m going to stop and focus on whar can go right and hope that everything falls into place
I will keep everyone updated as I feel comfortable sharing.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
That’s true for everyone and I don’t get why we think we can understand what someone else is going through. I can be empathetic and try to imagine how I would feel but I will never know what it’s like to be you going through what you’re going through at that moment.
Back to what I was saying. It’s time to heal. I broke. Like to my core from the grief of what happened. Like sobbing when no one can hear you till there is nothing left to cry, I am picking up the pieces that shattered around me and am trying to put myself back together. There are a lot of pieces and its going to take time. Some pieces won’t go back together right because they broke off jagged. The pain from being unable to be with Isabella for a month and not being the kind of mother she deserves broke some pieces that are hard to put back. It’s not as simple as just start doing better now. I have a picture in my mind of what being the mother I want to be looks like and you know what she didn’t have a stroke. She doesn’t feel her heart break when she has to ask her child to help her get something because she’s physically unable to do so but a three year old can. She is able to walk and play on the slide. This perfect mom in my head makes the real mom me sad and to be honest resentful. The real me knows that someday I will be able to do that again problem is She is only three now she grows and changes so fast and I want to be that perfect mom and it hurts so deep to not be her. So healing is happening but it’s happening at my pace and it’s not just physical. Someday I will be able to look around and not see any more broken pieces because I will have slowly put myself back together. So just be patient with me. It’s painful and there are still pieces missing and it hurts. It sneaks up on you. There are moments when I almost forget something is wrong and when I remember it hurts that much more. So let me grieve and don’t expect me to heal at your pace. This is my story. I’m getting ready to tell it. I hope this blog will give me a chance to share the moments of joy when I start to fix another piece. I also hope to have a place to share my grieving and when another wave of sadness comes over to find support and kindness
Sunday, June 13, 2010
My summer to-do's:
1: work on this blog, follow other blogs, learn how to build this one up
2: Photograph EVERYTHING learn by doing
3. get a mani pedi with my little one.
4. start driving. driving = freedom and boy do I need some freedom
5. build friendships
6. go to the beach ( even if can't walk my little one can and she wants to go )
7. get stronger and heal
8. Take a mini-vacation with blake and heal us.
9. take a moment to just be grateful for what I have
10. take a moment to thank people who need thanking.
11. Go for a picnic by the lake with Blake and Bella
12. Feed some ducks
13. Lie on a blanket with my girl and watch the clouds.
14. start enjoying what is instead of focusing on what isn't.
15. be happy
Thursday, April 29, 2010
The stroke happened on Monday February 2 and a lot of that day is clear. but I dont have another clear day till Tuesday February 9. I remember my parents staying there and watching TV with me that tuesday .after the seizure on the 2nd all I remember is wanting my feeding tube out and ripping it out. It was uncomfortable and I knew I was supposed to leave it alone but I didn’t care. I just kept pulling it out and they would put it back in and then have to take me down for an x-ray I guess. I just didn’t care I knew not to but I hated it. They even had to restrain me to try to stop me but I don’t remember that. I just figured they would eventually leave me alone. It didn’t feel good to pull it out but I wanted it gone. Even after getting up to intermediate care I still don’t think I understood what was going on yet. I know someone said stroke at some point but I didn’t really understand and I had very little knowledge of stroke before this. I knew it was serious because I was still there but not to what extent or what was going to happen. I also got my hair cut around this time and have a little memory of that but couldn’t have told you it was that week things are a little confusing around that time. My parents watched TV with me and then at some point I was moved to the rehab floor. I don’t know if it was that day or not Rehab is where I spent most of my hospital visit. I also guess I didn’t move floors that quickly but it bleeds together. I guess around this time I started moving a little bit but don’t remember much. Actually most of my information about this period of time I’ve got from reading facebook updates from my family most of which I didn’t even know had happened. It was a chaotic time and scary for me. I did pass my swallowing test around then so I could drink without choking. Then they removed the feeding tube and I could begin to eat.
They ran some tests to discover what was wrong. They found a blood clot on the right side of my brain. This was about the time Blake got there and they explained that I had suffered a stroke. Because there was no way of knowing when the stroke had actually happened they couldn’t give me a certain kind of medicine because you have to give it within a specific amount of time after the stroke and there was no way to know. So they told Blake the options were surgery to remove the clot but that was risky because it could cause bleeding or medicine to dissolve it. Blake chose the medicine. They ran a lot of tests to figure out why I had the stroke and the only answer that has ever been found is that I was on birth control. I have zero other risk factors.
Also I guess I was asking about Bella but don’t really remember that. I know I thought about her but I was so confused that I didn’t know where she was. My parents got there at the same time Blake did and then my sisters got there. I don’t remember them being there
All I can really remember is Blake being there but he kept disappearing. He would be there but then I would go under again and when I came to he was gone. Each time was scary also I was so thirsty and wanted a soda. I guess I kept saying this but I couldn’t drink anything because I couldn’t swallow. They couldn’t even give me ice chips because I could choke all I could do was suck on a sponge I just wanted to go home for just a few minutes and get something to drink. Then I was in a room with Blake and my parents went to take a walk since I seemed ok. I was talking and ok and then everything changed. I started having a seizure I was convulsing and turned blue. My parents came BACK FROM Their walk and I was no longer ok. After the seizure I changed I no longer would talk or interact with anyone and everyone was pretty scared. Before the seizure I would answer questions like who people were and the date? I swear ever five minutes someone would ask me the date. It was frustrating because I wasn’t sure if they were asking so much because I was wrong but I didn’t get why they couldn’t just look for themselves. I guess the first time I was asked by the paramedics at the apartment I got it wrong. I said it was 2008 but after that I usually knew. I have no memories around the seizure and for awhileafter that.
After a couple days when the physical therapists were working on my legs and my sister Trisha noticed that my ankle was swollen and blue. They took me for an x-ray and it was broken. I think I remember hearing it break but because I had no pain sensation no one noticed. I have vague memories of seeing my parents but no real memories. I guess lots of people were around my family and Blake’s but I have no memory of anyone. So if you were theret hanks. I went from the emergency room to Critical care and then to intermediate care which is where I begin to have memories.
The morning of
On February 1 Blake and I moved into our new apartment. I felt fine that day but just tired and stressed from moving. My sister said I looked a little of but nothing major felt wrong. Went to bed that night and the next morning woke up feeling wiped out but didn’t think anything was wrong. I tried to stand up to get ready for work and fell down. I heard a snap but didn’t feel anything. I just thought I was really tired. Then Blake was trying to talk to me. He kept yelling at me to stop talking funny but I didn’t understand why couldn’t hear myself and didn’t realize that my face had drooped and I was slurring my words. Blake called my mom and his mom because he was freaked out and wasn’t sure what to do. I remember listening to him not understanding why he was making such a big deal. I was just tired and wanted to go back to sleep. Blake helped me get back in bed because I couldn’t do it on my own. Then he decided to call 911 because something really seemed wrong with me. I couldn’t believe how much he was overreacting because to me nothing seemed wrong. I guess there is a part of your brain that gets triggered that there is an emergency and makes you panic. That never happened I had no idea that something was wrong I felt no pain. The paramedics showed up and put me on the gurney. They asked Blake a bunch of questions about me and then told him where they were taking me and how to get there. Then they put me in the ambulance which is where I started to panic. I have a huge fear of needles and they wanted to do an IV. I couldn’t believe that Blake had just left me with the paramedics and I was so scared. I didn’t know where Blake was and why he left me. He was with Bella who was freaking out that the paramedics had taken me away poor baby
I remember being in the ambulance a little and then getting to the hospital. That’s the point where I started freaking out. I wasn’t sure where I was and still didn’t understand why I was there. I still thought the only thing wrong was that I was tired. In my confused state I started getting worried that since I didn’t know where I was Blake wouldn’t be able to find me. The only thing I really understood was that I wanted the IV out. Most of what happens the rest of the day I learned from others because I only have flashes of it. Also I thought a lot of things that I don’t remember saying but I guess I was talking but I only remember thinking it. The last real memory is going in to the hospital and then 8 days later. Most of that time had to be filled in by others.