So I'm hours away from the one year mark. It is a big milestone from me. My therapist says what I've gone through is similar to having someone you care about die. I had to grieve and go through many of the same steps dealing with the stroke as I would have to go through if someone died unexpectedly. So the aniversary of that day is hard. My life changed so drastically that day and I'm still trying to process it all. It's getting easier in some areas but not in all areas.
If I could have the body I had a year ago I would take it. I want a fully functional leg and arm and all my sensation back. I want to be able to walk without a brace on or to wear sandals again. I want to be able to lifta pot of noodles of the stove to drain it without being worried its going to fall out of my hand I want to be able to get in the bath without having to first check the temperature with my right hand because I donr want to step in with my left foot and burn it because I can't tell temperature that well. It takes awhile for the heat signals to reach a part of my brain that understands. That delay could lead to a serious burn. I want to be able to feel bella or Blake's touch on my left side. I want to have the option of doing things I haven't done before but would be fun to try. I've never been snowboarding and only skiing oce now I can't. I wan't to help Bella ride her bike but it's to hard for me. Which means she has to be told no she can't ride it until a day her dad is home. I want to not have to be on a bunch of medications which make me tired and sometimes unable to sleep. I complained about my body before. I wanted to lose weight get in shape and although those things would still be nice I don't really care anymore I just want my body to work.
I like some of the changes that have come out of this situation though. I'm more of a fighter. I have been through hell and come out of it so really world what can you throw at me. If something doesn't feel right or makes me uncomfortable I speak up for myself. Something we should all do because we deserve to but I was never very good at it. I don't ever want to get to the level of stress I was dealing with when the stroke happened, in case that is a part of the reason it happened in the first place. so if that means calling people out on things or sticking up for myself then I will do it. Because all though I'm a people pleaser no ones feelings are worth having another stroke. I'm sure I've pissed some people off this year and I'm sorry for that but I would do it again and I wish I had done it more often in the past.
I'm also learning more about myself. What makes me smile and what I care about. When you get married and have children really young. You sometimes skip those years of learning about yourself So I'm doing it now. I haven't had to work or be in school all year which has given me time that you normally would not have as an adult. I couldn't have really told you anything about myself a year ago I just got through each day and did what needed to be done. It isn't a way to live your life. Never really being happy or liking anything. I'm getting better at finding my joy. I want my life to be bigger and fuller and for the first time believe that it can be.
I wouldn't want to give this new outlook back.
I know this blog has been very focused on the stroke and it might get a bit repetitive at times. But this first year I owed it to myself to focus only on my recovery. Now it's time to see where I can go from here. I will still give updates on how my progress is going. But I am going to try to balance school, married life, motherhood and fun with stroke. Thanks for dealing with me this year. To the people in my real life who have been there through this year thank you and U I hope you have seen good changes in me.
(dancing in dress up clothes)
( "drinking" diet coke")