Sunday, June 27, 2010

A bit of thanks

There are people who need to be thanked. 5 months ago I would never have imagined the ways in which people could surprise me. If asked I probably would not have been able to name many people who I felt really cared about me. Now I could list so many more. There have been so many people who have shown me love. Who have reached out to me in my pain and been there.
To be specific. There is an amazing community of moms online who have offered support to me during this difficult time in my life. Sometimes just knowing that I can reach out and vent gets me through a bad moment. To know that there are virtual hugs and someone to read my words is enough. There is also a community of other people who have had strokes that I am starting to get into. Just knowing that my struggle is not unique that others have been here before and made it to the other side gives me strength.
Also a thank you to kaitlyn. We were friends in high school and through the years drifted apart. She and I have become friends again and the timing could not be better. Oh how I need a friend right now. I feel so alone in this. Even with support there are so many moments of sadness and loneliness. Having regular girl time is something I didn’t give myself in my life before the stroke but am so grateful for now. I’ve never let myself gather friends to have around me to lean on. It’s a challenge for me to trust and to be vulnerable in showing my disabilities. I have been able to do this with Kaitlyn and am learning to feel safe in having friends. To know that there are people to turn to when I need help and to cheer me up when I am sad.
As far as family goes there are many to be thankful and lots that I’m not thankful for.
Let’s start with Blake. We weren’t solid before this. We should have gotten help long ago but we didn’t. It’s easy to put the blame on Blake but I could have sought out help on my own but I always wait for Blake to be strong for me instead of being strong for myself. I haven’t been easy to deal with, or very nice since the stroke. I carry around a lot of anger and it when it breaks free it lands on whose closest which is normally him. He could have walked away. It would have been easier than dealing with me. But he’s stuck around and is with me in fighting for a new life. I don’t thank him enough but I should. There are others who have abandoned me along the way since my stroke but he hasn’t. I hope that we get to a place where we can be really happy and enjoy life but I am thankful that through this mountain of pain, sadness and fear I have him with me.
My parents I am also incredibly thankful for. They let us live with them all though it was a burden. I am not kidding when I say I am not easy to be around right now. I am angry and depressed. They have put up with this and more. Now they are helping me with moving out. With me not being able to work or drive moving out is nearly impossible but they are helping us find a way. Also my grandparents have been an amazing help to Blake and I. There is a certain amount of pride I have had to let go of these last five months. I have had to reach out and ask for help. I want to do it on my own and it’s a constant struggle to not be able to. But I have asked and all of these amazing people have stepped up and helped us how they can.
Also to all those who have said a kind word to me either on the computer or when I’ve seen you. To everyone who has said a prayer for me thanks. I truly believe I have been helped with all this love and positive energy.
Now to the person who deserves the biggest thanks. My wonderful Isabella. Someday when you are older I will tell you of how you saved me. There have been so many moments when everything in me wants to quit. When getting up to fight another day in the battle of getting well seems to be too much. It is always a choice I could choose to hide my head under the blankets and stay in bed but it’s you who pulls me up and gets me moving. You deserve to have me back and to have me whole. So I thank you my little bug for being you and being mine. I hope someday there is someone who does for you what you’ve done for me. Being a mother, your mother saved me. Your smile, your hugs, the way you worry about me and want me to get better. Sweetheart I couldn’t have made it this far without you. You gave me the strength IU didn’t know I had to fight. Stick with me baby and someday I will come all the way back to you. I will make up this year to you somehow.

So to those reading this. Leave me a comment. I need some of that support right now. Moving is pushing me to the brink of an anxiety attack.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Our big news!

So our big news is... we are moving. An amazing opportunity came to us which will allow us to move out next week. We are moving into a mobile home for an amazing price due to family helping us out... This move gives me so many emotions to feel that I'm kind of a mess.

first I am excited. We want to be on our own. I am grateful that we have been able to live with my parents. I couldn't have gone home with just Blake and Bella. I needed help and was lucky to have it. But living with your parents with your husband and child is hard. We need our space and I am so glad to be able to move.

but there is some guilt because we are still going to be recieving help financially from family as well as support with taking care of things that I can't do, like cooking and some cleaning. Once I get disability which will hopefully be coming in the next couple months we wont need help. Also Blake is looking for a second job which will allow us to not need as much financial help. I just struggle with guilt over not being able to work.

I also have a good amount of fear. We were so close with moving into the apartment and then my world exploded. I'm not exactly afraid of another stroke but just of something coming along to take away this opportunity. I have a hard time trusting anything good right now. Hopefullyafter we get moved in and nothing bad happens I will begn to trust again.

I'm in therapy to help me with all of these emotions as well as all the others that I go through with dealing with the stroke. I have been trying to work through them but a lot of change and no stability in my world scares me. I hope to be able to use this blog to journal what I'm going through and to share our joy with this move.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

so I had a seizure.

It was a lesson. I ran out of pills and couldn't get more before the weekend. I was out of anti-seizure medication so it was a big deal. Father's day my arm felt funny. Really heavy and tingly. I had a doctors appointment monday morning so I just kept telling myself all I had to do was make it till then and she would get me more pills. I went to go sit down and must have fallen. I remember screaming for Blake but he was outside and couldn't hear me. My parents and Sister did, as well as Isabella who was in the room with me. My mom came in and I was sitting on the floor, she thought it was just a fall but then I told her I didn't feel right. I went into a grand mal seizure. I bit the inside of my mouth and blood began to trickle out. It freaked my dad out . My parents called 911.. The ambulence took me to palomar hospital, where I was supposed to go later that day for rehab. At the hospital they did blood work and a cat scan. Everything looked fine just the lack of pills for a few days. The dr, explained that in the event that I run out of pills again to just go into the hospital and a dr will get me a prescription. All said and done it was scary but no real damage. Just really tired. Guess I'm really not ready to be off anti-seizure medication.

Friday, June 18, 2010

what I'm doing to recover

Right now the stage of recovery that I am in is out patient rehab at the same hospital where I stayed the month I was admitted. . At the hospital I was in in-patient from there when I went home I had in home rehab for three months. . I have Occupational therapy (OT) which focuses on gaining strength back in my left arm and learn to make it more functional. I also have physical Therapy (PT). The focus of this rehab is to get me walking and using my left leg again.
It is hard I have lost just about all muscle tone in my body. Since the left side of my body doesn’t move well I haven’t used it much. My strength is all but gone and my endurance is very low and I fatigue easily. I have both types of rehab three times a week for 45 minutes each. Back to back. I am usually pretty tired and sore afterwards. I have a at home routine for my lower and upper left side. Only working out one side of my body leaves me with a fear that I will be horribly uneven with a strong left side and a week right side. I am also going to be starting horse therapy sometime soon. It should help me get some strength in my core as well as improve my walking. Having never really spent much time around horses we shall see how this goes. It should be fun and anything that helps me recover that is also enjoyable I am willing to try. Plus Isabella will enjoy getting to see the horses and watching me ride. I'm trying to do morephysical things, swimming and walking around more to build up my endurance.
I hope to see great improvements over this summer. With the big hope being to be walking in a couple months. Oh how I miss being able to walk. You take it for granted being able to walk. To just go where you want to go when you want to. For those of you who can walk appreciate that and try not to take it for granted. I know I didn’t value being able to but why would I. Who would ever think to appreciate something that comes so naturally?

emotions and changes ahead

There are changes coming up ahead. Changes that I am excited for and at the same time afraid of. So I’m not going to go into any details about what is going on because I'm afraid to get my hopes up last time I got really excited for something everything crashed around me I can't risk that again so instead I'll just say that there is some big news that I will hopefully be able to share in time. There are many people who know what is going on so it’s not like it’s a big secret. It’s just the less I make a big deal over things and the less I build it up the less chance of crashing if something doesn’t work out right. Emotions are scary for me the part of my brain that was affected by the stroke Is the part that would help me control my emotions so now everything that I'm feeling lives just below the surface and without warning can take me over There is very little control left.
if something makes me sad I become overwhelmed with sadness the same with anger So for now I'm going to try to keep my emotions guarded for fear that the next time something goes wrong I will not be able to stay in control of my emotions So for now I’m working on Happiness. With the hope that by overwhelming myself with positive emotions I won’t have as much room for negative ones. Also by confronting what hurts me and trying to limit the amount of negativity and pain created by those around me There is a certain amount of “fake it till you make it going on around here” If I just keep believing that I’m happy and ok then maybe I will start actually being happy and ok. There can’t be too much happiness or too much love so if I have to be overwhelmed by emotions and feelings I choose those ones.

So I’m going to stop and focus on whar can go right and hope that everything falls into place

I will keep everyone updated as I feel comfortable sharing.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

What I'm looking for

So it’s about time to come out of the fog. The stroke caused a fog to settle over me and I’ve been weighed down by it ever sense. The shock of what happened has caused a lot of emotions. Ranging from good (feeling grateful for a second chance at life. to bad (angry at losing So much time). To fear (that this will happen again. The thing about these emotions is that everyone thinks they understand how you feel or that they can imagine how it is. Well you can’t. What I have been through just isn’t something you can get unless you’ve lived it.

That’s true for everyone and I don’t get why we think we can understand what someone else is going through. I can be empathetic and try to imagine how I would feel but I will never know what it’s like to be you going through what you’re going through at that moment.

Back to what I was saying. It’s time to heal. I broke. Like to my core from the grief of what happened. Like sobbing when no one can hear you till there is nothing left to cry, I am picking up the pieces that shattered around me and am trying to put myself back together. There are a lot of pieces and its going to take time. Some pieces won’t go back together right because they broke off jagged. The pain from being unable to be with Isabella for a month and not being the kind of mother she deserves broke some pieces that are hard to put back. It’s not as simple as just start doing better now. I have a picture in my mind of what being the mother I want to be looks like and you know what she didn’t have a stroke. She doesn’t feel her heart break when she has to ask her child to help her get something because she’s physically unable to do so but a three year old can. She is able to walk and play on the slide. This perfect mom in my head makes the real mom me sad and to be honest resentful. The real me knows that someday I will be able to do that again problem is She is only three now she grows and changes so fast and I want to be that perfect mom and it hurts so deep to not be her. So healing is happening but it’s happening at my pace and it’s not just physical. Someday I will be able to look around and not see any more broken pieces because I will have slowly put myself back together. So just be patient with me. It’s painful and there are still pieces missing and it hurts. It sneaks up on you. There are moments when I almost forget something is wrong and when I remember it hurts that much more. So let me grieve and don’t expect me to heal at your pace. This is my story. I’m getting ready to tell it. I hope this blog will give me a chance to share the moments of joy when I start to fix another piece. I also hope to have a place to share my grieving and when another wave of sadness comes over to find support and kindness

Sunday, June 13, 2010


So one thing I have learned through recovery is that I need to break up the overwhelming into more manageable pieces. So instead of thinking about what the next year or two years will be like I'm breaking it down to this summer. What to I want Summer 2010 to look like, what to I want to do and achieve.

My summer to-do's:
1: work on this blog, follow other blogs, learn how to build this one up
2: Photograph EVERYTHING learn by doing

3. get a mani pedi with my little one.

4. start driving. driving = freedom and boy do I need some freedom

5. build friendships

6. go to the beach ( even if can't walk my little one can and she wants to go )

7. get stronger and heal

8. Take a mini-vacation with blake and heal us.

9. take a moment to just be grateful for what I have

10. take a moment to thank people who need thanking.

11. Go for a picnic by the lake with Blake and Bella

12. Feed some ducks

13. Lie on a blanket with my girl and watch the clouds.

14. start enjoying what is instead of focusing on what isn't.

15. be happy


She is the perfect example of what I want this blog to become I have wrote about the day of the stroke and though there willl be many more things to say about the stroke and its affect on my life what I want to capture now is how I want the next few years to change me. Change me from the unhappy shell of a person I was into a happier, stronger more loving person I want to be and believe I can be

Kilee she is brave where I was scared,

She is happy where I am sad

She is better than I am and an example of what I wantto become.
Thank you Kilee for being the catalyst for change that I so desperately needed and was too afraid to do for myself.