Tuesday, July 6, 2010

my dream

I have this dream that someday I will just be Karissa again and not the girl who at 25 had a stroke. It is what I am defined by and what I am known for now. There are moments where I almost forget that it happened. Where instinct takes over and I almost take a step before the realization that walking isn’t a part of who I am now hits me like a bus. It hurts every time. That glorious second where I almost feel whole gets replaced by the intense pain at the reminder that I’m not. I know that I will probably get better at some point or at least mostly better. But I ask of you, all of you who say to me you will be 100% or at least 90-95% back to normal right as if that should make me feel better. Right now what 5-10% of you would you be ok to lose? Probably can’t answer that because who wants to feel less than whole. Well I don’t either I want everything back. I want to be 100 % back to who I was physically and While we’re at it I want this year back too. I want a chance to be care free again and enjoy being 25. I want to go back to the time where I don’t wonder if I will wake up when I go to sleep at night. Also can I have the people back that I’ve lost since the stroke? The people who say it’s not the stroke that made us turn our backs on you but I still believe the stroke played a part. Can I have them back? For everything I’ve gained and learned from the stroke can I have that back in return. I have gained a lot. Like moving out and new friends. An appreciation of the fact that I’m still alive. So many moments which were made possible by the stroke. For now though I wait. Wait for the moment to come where I get to forget for an hour, a day a week a month maybe even a year that I had a stroke. That my life and body are so back to normal that it doesn’t even cross my mind. People do that they heal and move on and imagining that day is what keeps me normal. So do me a favor and enjoy it. Live life to its fullest. Stop complaining about work, and just be grateful for your life. I am trying to be and my struggles are greater than a job. Wait for me I ask you to wait for me while I work on breaking free from the prison of this stroke. Give me a chance to heal and strengthen. Don’t put your expectations on me about how I should feel, heal and deal with things. In return I will do my best to come back to you. To move past this and start over. I’m not there yet but I will be in my own time.

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