Sunday, June 27, 2010

A bit of thanks

There are people who need to be thanked. 5 months ago I would never have imagined the ways in which people could surprise me. If asked I probably would not have been able to name many people who I felt really cared about me. Now I could list so many more. There have been so many people who have shown me love. Who have reached out to me in my pain and been there.
To be specific. There is an amazing community of moms online who have offered support to me during this difficult time in my life. Sometimes just knowing that I can reach out and vent gets me through a bad moment. To know that there are virtual hugs and someone to read my words is enough. There is also a community of other people who have had strokes that I am starting to get into. Just knowing that my struggle is not unique that others have been here before and made it to the other side gives me strength.
Also a thank you to kaitlyn. We were friends in high school and through the years drifted apart. She and I have become friends again and the timing could not be better. Oh how I need a friend right now. I feel so alone in this. Even with support there are so many moments of sadness and loneliness. Having regular girl time is something I didn’t give myself in my life before the stroke but am so grateful for now. I’ve never let myself gather friends to have around me to lean on. It’s a challenge for me to trust and to be vulnerable in showing my disabilities. I have been able to do this with Kaitlyn and am learning to feel safe in having friends. To know that there are people to turn to when I need help and to cheer me up when I am sad.
As far as family goes there are many to be thankful and lots that I’m not thankful for.
Let’s start with Blake. We weren’t solid before this. We should have gotten help long ago but we didn’t. It’s easy to put the blame on Blake but I could have sought out help on my own but I always wait for Blake to be strong for me instead of being strong for myself. I haven’t been easy to deal with, or very nice since the stroke. I carry around a lot of anger and it when it breaks free it lands on whose closest which is normally him. He could have walked away. It would have been easier than dealing with me. But he’s stuck around and is with me in fighting for a new life. I don’t thank him enough but I should. There are others who have abandoned me along the way since my stroke but he hasn’t. I hope that we get to a place where we can be really happy and enjoy life but I am thankful that through this mountain of pain, sadness and fear I have him with me.
My parents I am also incredibly thankful for. They let us live with them all though it was a burden. I am not kidding when I say I am not easy to be around right now. I am angry and depressed. They have put up with this and more. Now they are helping me with moving out. With me not being able to work or drive moving out is nearly impossible but they are helping us find a way. Also my grandparents have been an amazing help to Blake and I. There is a certain amount of pride I have had to let go of these last five months. I have had to reach out and ask for help. I want to do it on my own and it’s a constant struggle to not be able to. But I have asked and all of these amazing people have stepped up and helped us how they can.
Also to all those who have said a kind word to me either on the computer or when I’ve seen you. To everyone who has said a prayer for me thanks. I truly believe I have been helped with all this love and positive energy.
Now to the person who deserves the biggest thanks. My wonderful Isabella. Someday when you are older I will tell you of how you saved me. There have been so many moments when everything in me wants to quit. When getting up to fight another day in the battle of getting well seems to be too much. It is always a choice I could choose to hide my head under the blankets and stay in bed but it’s you who pulls me up and gets me moving. You deserve to have me back and to have me whole. So I thank you my little bug for being you and being mine. I hope someday there is someone who does for you what you’ve done for me. Being a mother, your mother saved me. Your smile, your hugs, the way you worry about me and want me to get better. Sweetheart I couldn’t have made it this far without you. You gave me the strength IU didn’t know I had to fight. Stick with me baby and someday I will come all the way back to you. I will make up this year to you somehow.

So to those reading this. Leave me a comment. I need some of that support right now. Moving is pushing me to the brink of an anxiety attack.

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