Almost at a year!

So in one week it will be a year since the stroke. It is hard to explain how that makes me feel. A part of me is grateful for my recovery as well as proud of my progress. But then there is that part of me that is unsure if I've done enough, learned enough, improved enough this year. That's one of the downsides to having so few people my age, in their twenties, having strokes there is no typical timeline. So there is no way to judge where I'm at. It will be a week of reflection that I'm sure. I will have to think back to what happened a year ago. What I went through, how that changed me, I'm hoping it wont be too painful to remember but I need to. I need to look hard at where I was and where I started this journey of recovery. I'm planing to go back to the hospital to the rehab floor where I spent a few weeks. I think I need to force myself to remember the worst of it so that maybe I can see where I am now a little clearer.

I have changed a lot in the past year. I see what I want with more clarity. I am my own person to a stronger degree. I stand up for myself more and have really taken a hard look at myself and my flaws this year. For our lives are made up of defining moments and this year contained one of mine. But this was just the start. The first year post stroke. The start of the rebuild. Year two will be even greater.

a cause that is close to my heart.

So one of the ways I get myself in a better mood is too follow blogs of people who inspire me. One of my favorites is enjoying the small things by kelle hampton. Her daughter Nella was born in January of last year and has down syndrom. There family has had a trying year with many ups and downs but through it all thry have maintained a positive outlook and been such an inspiration to me. I really recomend this blog if you are looking for an entertaining and inspiring blog to follow. Right now in celebration of Nella's first birthday they are doing a fundraiser. I have donated a little and I encourage you to check it out and donate a little if you are able to. There are a lot of wonderful children who have down syndrom and need a little extra help. This is a hard world when you have a disability and all these children deserve a better future. Its a cause I really believe in. Please at least check it out. If I could I would donate what she needs to reach her goal but I do not have that much to give. So I am doing what I can and spreading the information to those I know that haven't heard of her. Help a mom help her daughter. So many of you are parents and know what it means to want the best for your child.

Kelle has really helped me this year in reminding me to stay positive and not let the negative circumstances in my life get me down. It's been a struggle but reading her uplifting words has really helped. So help me return something good to her.

kellehamptom.com ( there is a link to where you can donate in the first post.

feeling better.

I'm not an optimist. Not even close. Some of it comes from the wonderfulness of depression I've gained this year. Some of it is just me. My glass is't just have empty sometimes I'm not sure if I even have a glass anymore. I feel overwhelmed by the burden of sadness. The thing is I want to be happy. I want to be ridiculously cheerful and almost obnoxiously optimistic. It's just hard. It's a part of me that has always been weak and now has completly atrophied with the stroke. I guess it's just one more part of me I have to strengthen I just don't even know where to begin. Smiling, laughing, thinking good thoughts have all become so foreign to me and I don't know how to change this around. Any great ideas out there. Keave me a comment here or somewhere else if you know me better. Help me fix this before it gets worse.

resolutions for 2011

So here they come. Resolutions for 2011. I need this year so badly to go smooth. I haven't had a good year the last couple of years. 2009 my husband, Blake was in a car accident because he passed out while driving. We found outhat the passing out was actually a seizure caused by epilepsy. so 2009 was a rough year. Then our cat died also the same month as the accident. Then 1010 was the stroke. Then it's been a series of bad decisions financially. So this year i am going to do my best to have an amazing year. So what do I resolve to do this year.

1. Blake and I are only going to go to target /walmart 12 times this year. that means we will have to plan out what we get better and not impulse buy. I'm hoping this will help with not over spending and also with not bringing in more unneeded things into our house.

2. pay off all debt. We don't really have too much but with me only getting dissability and not being able to work we can't pay down a lot each month. We have a little in credit card debt, the remainder of what we owe on Blakes car and my medical bills which isnt too bad thanks to good insurance. It would just be nice to not have any debt hanging over us.

3.Loose some weight. I would like to lose about 30 to 40 pounds I think if I commit to doing it I should be able to do it pretty quickly. I don't try at all now so a little effort should go far.

4. start school again and do well this year. I need to make up for the year lost do to the stroke. I'm starting slowly but if it goes well I can take more classes next semester.

5. Above all do my best to keep my family healthy. colds, flu are going to happen but no hospital stays or major illness or injury.

2010's resolutions

So with 2010 coming to a close and 2011 about to start its time for some new resolutions but lets see how I did this year.

1move by valentines day. technically I did move on Feb 1 but had to move back in Moved back but was out again by July. I'm counting this a success.

2. go on more dates. I think we could have been better about this but we still had a few.

3. I had three goals having to do with being a better mom more patient, less TV time more activities. These didn't go so well but to be honest I'm just glad I made it through this year. I also got Bella into school which gives her more socialization and activities.

4. do a 5k. technically I was there but I was pushed in a wheelchai the whole way but again not my choice or fault.

5. drink less soda. This one I failed at. Its my fault

So as a whole I didn't do so well but I only had a month before the stroke so I didn't have a real year to get things accomplished.
So I'm going to make new resolutions for this year and I hope I get the full year to do them I hope to make a post about them tomorrow

Christmas is coming

so one week till Christmas and I 'm really excited. I need some good moments. I'm doing pretty well in my recovery and I've improved a lot. I'm still suffering emotionally a lot. My stress levels and depression are still effecting me. I need some joy and to have something to be excited about and I'm excited about Christmas. Bella is going to be so much fun this year. She is really starting to understand all the traditions and getting excited about Santa coming.

I know we are going to be overloaded with presents over the next two weeks and while I'm not excited about having more stuff in our house she is going to love it. I want her to love all the other things about Christmas and not just the presents. The baking and eating. The spending time with others. She does like those things and wewe try to balance that with liking presents. There is still a lot to do to get ready for all the christmas gatherings we have. I just am not very fast anymore I'm recovering pretty well physically but I still move slower and not as controlled. I need to do more recovery emotionally. I'm still pretty depressed and have a lot of anxiety. I'm trying to get through this but it's difficult. I'm just trying to enjoy things more and look at the good things.

This is whyI'm excited about Christmas.

coming back!

So it’s almost time. We are closing in on the end of 2010. And boy do I want to say goodbye. I need to start new and see if 2011 can bring me the joy and happiness that was so lacking this year. There have been good moments, sweet moments that got me through but it was hard and I’m ready to move on. First there are a couple more moments to make? Some thanksgiving turkey and family gathered round. Then so many Christmas events to enjoy. Some special time with my girl and sharing a little love with my Kilee and Austen. I can start to appreciate what this year has taught me and given me and the only thing I can hope is that I take these lessons learned and bring them with me into this New Year. A new year where I have my health. That I have truly learned from my past. I want to grow and learn even more this year
Because what I’ve learned most is that if I have this I’m going to end up all right.

I'm finally starting to get back into taking pictures and enjoying things again. Hopefully that means I will post more and have more of Isabella and my life to share soon. It all kind of disappeared for awhile after the stroke but I'm slowly getting there.