2010's resolutions

So with 2010 coming to a close and 2011 about to start its time for some new resolutions but lets see how I did this year.

1move by valentines day. technically I did move on Feb 1 but had to move back in Moved back but was out again by July. I'm counting this a success.

2. go on more dates. I think we could have been better about this but we still had a few.

3. I had three goals having to do with being a better mom more patient, less TV time more activities. These didn't go so well but to be honest I'm just glad I made it through this year. I also got Bella into school which gives her more socialization and activities.

4. do a 5k. technically I was there but I was pushed in a wheelchai the whole way but again not my choice or fault.

5. drink less soda. This one I failed at. Its my fault

So as a whole I didn't do so well but I only had a month before the stroke so I didn't have a real year to get things accomplished.
So I'm going to make new resolutions for this year and I hope I get the full year to do them I hope to make a post about them tomorrow

Christmas is coming

so one week till Christmas and I 'm really excited. I need some good moments. I'm doing pretty well in my recovery and I've improved a lot. I'm still suffering emotionally a lot. My stress levels and depression are still effecting me. I need some joy and to have something to be excited about and I'm excited about Christmas. Bella is going to be so much fun this year. She is really starting to understand all the traditions and getting excited about Santa coming.

I know we are going to be overloaded with presents over the next two weeks and while I'm not excited about having more stuff in our house she is going to love it. I want her to love all the other things about Christmas and not just the presents. The baking and eating. The spending time with others. She does like those things and wewe try to balance that with liking presents. There is still a lot to do to get ready for all the christmas gatherings we have. I just am not very fast anymore I'm recovering pretty well physically but I still move slower and not as controlled. I need to do more recovery emotionally. I'm still pretty depressed and have a lot of anxiety. I'm trying to get through this but it's difficult. I'm just trying to enjoy things more and look at the good things.

This is whyI'm excited about Christmas.

coming back!

So it’s almost time. We are closing in on the end of 2010. And boy do I want to say goodbye. I need to start new and see if 2011 can bring me the joy and happiness that was so lacking this year. There have been good moments, sweet moments that got me through but it was hard and I’m ready to move on. First there are a couple more moments to make? Some thanksgiving turkey and family gathered round. Then so many Christmas events to enjoy. Some special time with my girl and sharing a little love with my Kilee and Austen. I can start to appreciate what this year has taught me and given me and the only thing I can hope is that I take these lessons learned and bring them with me into this New Year. A new year where I have my health. That I have truly learned from my past. I want to grow and learn even more this year
Because what I’ve learned most is that if I have this I’m going to end up all right.

I'm finally starting to get back into taking pictures and enjoying things again. Hopefully that means I will post more and have more of Isabella and my life to share soon. It all kind of disappeared for awhile after the stroke but I'm slowly getting there.

what I've discovered.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted but I’m trying to get some perspective on why the stroke happened, what it will change in me and how to go forward from here. I’ve been stuck for a long time now going through the motions but not really living for a long time. I have to believe this all happened for a reason and someday I will look back and know what I learned and what I’ve gained during these years of recovery. So far this is what I’ve got. The stroke saved my marriage. This would have been the year I got a divorce. We had strayed so far off course that we couldn’t get back. I was running running every day but getting no closer to Blake. We knew things were bad but couldn’t seem to do anything about it. We needed our lives to explode so we could see if we could put things back together and somehow we are starting to. I hope that the future has us stronger and more connected than ever. But it was this year that started it.
I’ve also discovered a backbone in myself that’s never been there before. I have discovered how to stand up for myself which I’ve never done before. I’ve realized that there is some fight in me and I will take out whoever is in my way of getting better. I’m still sensitive but I’m beginning to discover that I have to be just as worried about my feelings as I am about everyone else’s.
I hope there’s more and that things get better from this point forward.

goals and plea for help

So it has occurred to me that I need to set what my goals are in this transformation of my life. There is so much that needs changing, improving and to be worked on. So let’s break this down.

1. I need to commit to getting my arm and leg stronger. The stronger they get the more connections being made to my brain, so the more I will be able to use them In order to do this I need to start really pushing myself in therapy and to do my at home exercises. I was never big on exercise before so its no surprise that I don’t want to do it now.
2. I need to get healthy emotionally. The depression is making it hard to work my hardest. I need to find the right medication and the right therapist. I’m working on finding what works for me. I also need to find a way to make myself happier. If you are reading this give me suggestions. I need fresh ideas. Leave a comment
3. I need to organize this house its hard and I am trying but I am not doing great. I have found some organizing websites so hopefully I will get some ideas to help me.
So here is my attempt to take a first step. Towards a better life.
So any ideas would be appreciated.

Love

Let’s begin with love. The first and most obvious of what I love is Isabella. I am consumed by my love with her. She is funny and smart and a challenge. She doesn’t seem like me at all, even though others can see traits we have in commonI don’t see them. She is a tornado. She blows in and will take down anything in her path. Her energy the never ending energy that overwhelms me because my natural speed is much lower. She makes me happy and I'm glad to be her mom.
I also love that we moved. Our move there is so much more to be done but we are getting there. It happened and I survived. There were moments of nervousness where I was afraid that history would find a way to repeat itself. Not so much that another stroke would happen, although that thought was there, but more so that something would happen to pull the rug out from underneath me again. That I would get so close and everything would fall apart again. I knew that I had more control this time. That we had more help and support than last time. The stress could be kept under control this time which would go a long way to keeping me ok. So it happened. All of the stuff has been moved and we are starting to unpack and organize. It’s a big project and I’m getting a lot of help because there is no way I could do it alone. I will have pictures of it at some point bit I’m not ready to share. I need to do more to make it feel like mine.
Photography something else love but haven’t been sharing much of lately. My slowness makes me insecure when taking pictures so there are less to share. As I can move better and quicker I hope to do more. I so deeply believe in photographing your life, especially the lives of children. It changes so fast and I want to capture it. Trap these moments in her life when she’s little and mine and keep them a while longer. The time will come soon enough where my presence is no longer wanted so I want these moments now to last.
Cousins. So many good cousin moments coming up for Bella. She is going to Disneyland for three days with Maryssa. She doesn’t know this. To spare me the never ending question if it’s today that she gets to go. Then Kilee gets her cast off at the end of the month. These two girls want to play and run together and finally they will have the chance. My baby’s joy is my joy and I can’t wait for her to have these moments.

shifting gears

Now I know this blog gets a little dark and down in mood sometimes. Before all this happened this year I had the tendency to view my glass as half empty all the time. I saw things with the opposite of rose colored glasses. I was probably dealing with some mild depression but didn’t realize it or want to accept it. Now it’s uncontrollable. The emotions are just there. Emotions bubbling right below the surface ready to escape at any moment. All different types of emotions. Without warning here comes anger, hot raging explosive anger. Then here come the tears. Gut wrenching sobs that make my head hurt from crying so hard, although a good cry sometimes helps relieve the pressure. I can’t stop though the tears aren’t in my power to control. The depression is there now. It isn’t even possible to hide or deny now But really I don’t care. I have reasons to be depressed. Though the level to which I am sometimes worries me. Hopefully my brain will continue to heal and my emotions will get easier to control. Until then I will keep trying to find a therapist who works and the right dosage of anti-depressants. I’m also trying to find good emotions. I f I’m going to be over powered by an emotion then lets pick some new ones. How about happiness, love, excitement, I can handle intense bouts of love. So now my new focus is to make posts about what I’m happy about instead of what’s wrong. At this point picking out what’s bad is too easy I can find plenty to complain about, as can most people I’ve realized. Instead I will break up the negative with some positive. Here we go