It’s been a while since I’ve posted but I’m trying to get some perspective on why the stroke happened, what it will change in me and how to go forward from here. I’ve been stuck for a long time now going through the motions but not really living for a long time. I have to believe this all happened for a reason and someday I will look back and know what I learned and what I’ve gained during these years of recovery. So far this is what I’ve got. The stroke saved my marriage. This would have been the year I got a divorce. We had strayed so far off course that we couldn’t get back. I was running running every day but getting no closer to Blake. We knew things were bad but couldn’t seem to do anything about it. We needed our lives to explode so we could see if we could put things back together and somehow we are starting to. I hope that the future has us stronger and more connected than ever. But it was this year that started it.
I’ve also discovered a backbone in myself that’s never been there before. I have discovered how to stand up for myself which I’ve never done before. I’ve realized that there is some fight in me and I will take out whoever is in my way of getting better. I’m still sensitive but I’m beginning to discover that I have to be just as worried about my feelings as I am about everyone else’s.
I hope there’s more and that things get better from this point forward.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
goals and plea for help
So it has occurred to me that I need to set what my goals are in this transformation of my life. There is so much that needs changing, improving and to be worked on. So let’s break this down.
1. I need to commit to getting my arm and leg stronger. The stronger they get the more connections being made to my brain, so the more I will be able to use them In order to do this I need to start really pushing myself in therapy and to do my at home exercises. I was never big on exercise before so its no surprise that I don’t want to do it now.
2. I need to get healthy emotionally. The depression is making it hard to work my hardest. I need to find the right medication and the right therapist. I’m working on finding what works for me. I also need to find a way to make myself happier. If you are reading this give me suggestions. I need fresh ideas. Leave a comment
3. I need to organize this house its hard and I am trying but I am not doing great. I have found some organizing websites so hopefully I will get some ideas to help me.
So here is my attempt to take a first step. Towards a better life.
So any ideas would be appreciated.
1. I need to commit to getting my arm and leg stronger. The stronger they get the more connections being made to my brain, so the more I will be able to use them In order to do this I need to start really pushing myself in therapy and to do my at home exercises. I was never big on exercise before so its no surprise that I don’t want to do it now.
2. I need to get healthy emotionally. The depression is making it hard to work my hardest. I need to find the right medication and the right therapist. I’m working on finding what works for me. I also need to find a way to make myself happier. If you are reading this give me suggestions. I need fresh ideas. Leave a comment
3. I need to organize this house its hard and I am trying but I am not doing great. I have found some organizing websites so hopefully I will get some ideas to help me.
So here is my attempt to take a first step. Towards a better life.
So any ideas would be appreciated.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Love
Let’s begin with love. The first and most obvious of what I love is Isabella. I am consumed by my love with her. She is funny and smart and a challenge. She doesn’t seem like me at all, even though others can see traits we have in commonI don’t see them. She is a tornado. She blows in and will take down anything in her path. Her energy the never ending energy that overwhelms me because my natural speed is much lower. She makes me happy and I'm glad to be her mom.
I also love that we moved. Our move there is so much more to be done but we are getting there. It happened and I survived. There were moments of nervousness where I was afraid that history would find a way to repeat itself. Not so much that another stroke would happen, although that thought was there, but more so that something would happen to pull the rug out from underneath me again. That I would get so close and everything would fall apart again. I knew that I had more control this time. That we had more help and support than last time. The stress could be kept under control this time which would go a long way to keeping me ok. So it happened. All of the stuff has been moved and we are starting to unpack and organize. It’s a big project and I’m getting a lot of help because there is no way I could do it alone. I will have pictures of it at some point bit I’m not ready to share. I need to do more to make it feel like mine.
Photography something else love but haven’t been sharing much of lately. My slowness makes me insecure when taking pictures so there are less to share. As I can move better and quicker I hope to do more. I so deeply believe in photographing your life, especially the lives of children. It changes so fast and I want to capture it. Trap these moments in her life when she’s little and mine and keep them a while longer. The time will come soon enough where my presence is no longer wanted so I want these moments now to last.
Cousins. So many good cousin moments coming up for Bella. She is going to Disneyland for three days with Maryssa. She doesn’t know this. To spare me the never ending question if it’s today that she gets to go. Then Kilee gets her cast off at the end of the month. These two girls want to play and run together and finally they will have the chance. My baby’s joy is my joy and I can’t wait for her to have these moments.
I also love that we moved. Our move there is so much more to be done but we are getting there. It happened and I survived. There were moments of nervousness where I was afraid that history would find a way to repeat itself. Not so much that another stroke would happen, although that thought was there, but more so that something would happen to pull the rug out from underneath me again. That I would get so close and everything would fall apart again. I knew that I had more control this time. That we had more help and support than last time. The stress could be kept under control this time which would go a long way to keeping me ok. So it happened. All of the stuff has been moved and we are starting to unpack and organize. It’s a big project and I’m getting a lot of help because there is no way I could do it alone. I will have pictures of it at some point bit I’m not ready to share. I need to do more to make it feel like mine.
Photography something else love but haven’t been sharing much of lately. My slowness makes me insecure when taking pictures so there are less to share. As I can move better and quicker I hope to do more. I so deeply believe in photographing your life, especially the lives of children. It changes so fast and I want to capture it. Trap these moments in her life when she’s little and mine and keep them a while longer. The time will come soon enough where my presence is no longer wanted so I want these moments now to last.
Cousins. So many good cousin moments coming up for Bella. She is going to Disneyland for three days with Maryssa. She doesn’t know this. To spare me the never ending question if it’s today that she gets to go. Then Kilee gets her cast off at the end of the month. These two girls want to play and run together and finally they will have the chance. My baby’s joy is my joy and I can’t wait for her to have these moments.
shifting gears
Now I know this blog gets a little dark and down in mood sometimes. Before all this happened this year I had the tendency to view my glass as half empty all the time. I saw things with the opposite of rose colored glasses. I was probably dealing with some mild depression but didn’t realize it or want to accept it. Now it’s uncontrollable. The emotions are just there. Emotions bubbling right below the surface ready to escape at any moment. All different types of emotions. Without warning here comes anger, hot raging explosive anger. Then here come the tears. Gut wrenching sobs that make my head hurt from crying so hard, although a good cry sometimes helps relieve the pressure. I can’t stop though the tears aren’t in my power to control. The depression is there now. It isn’t even possible to hide or deny now But really I don’t care. I have reasons to be depressed. Though the level to which I am sometimes worries me. Hopefully my brain will continue to heal and my emotions will get easier to control. Until then I will keep trying to find a therapist who works and the right dosage of anti-depressants. I’m also trying to find good emotions. I f I’m going to be over powered by an emotion then lets pick some new ones. How about happiness, love, excitement, I can handle intense bouts of love. So now my new focus is to make posts about what I’m happy about instead of what’s wrong. At this point picking out what’s bad is too easy I can find plenty to complain about, as can most people I’ve realized. Instead I will break up the negative with some positive. Here we go
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
my dream
I have this dream that someday I will just be Karissa again and not the girl who at 25 had a stroke. It is what I am defined by and what I am known for now. There are moments where I almost forget that it happened. Where instinct takes over and I almost take a step before the realization that walking isn’t a part of who I am now hits me like a bus. It hurts every time. That glorious second where I almost feel whole gets replaced by the intense pain at the reminder that I’m not. I know that I will probably get better at some point or at least mostly better. But I ask of you, all of you who say to me you will be 100% or at least 90-95% back to normal right as if that should make me feel better. Right now what 5-10% of you would you be ok to lose? Probably can’t answer that because who wants to feel less than whole. Well I don’t either I want everything back. I want to be 100 % back to who I was physically and While we’re at it I want this year back too. I want a chance to be care free again and enjoy being 25. I want to go back to the time where I don’t wonder if I will wake up when I go to sleep at night. Also can I have the people back that I’ve lost since the stroke? The people who say it’s not the stroke that made us turn our backs on you but I still believe the stroke played a part. Can I have them back? For everything I’ve gained and learned from the stroke can I have that back in return. I have gained a lot. Like moving out and new friends. An appreciation of the fact that I’m still alive. So many moments which were made possible by the stroke. For now though I wait. Wait for the moment to come where I get to forget for an hour, a day a week a month maybe even a year that I had a stroke. That my life and body are so back to normal that it doesn’t even cross my mind. People do that they heal and move on and imagining that day is what keeps me normal. So do me a favor and enjoy it. Live life to its fullest. Stop complaining about work, and just be grateful for your life. I am trying to be and my struggles are greater than a job. Wait for me I ask you to wait for me while I work on breaking free from the prison of this stroke. Give me a chance to heal and strengthen. Don’t put your expectations on me about how I should feel, heal and deal with things. In return I will do my best to come back to you. To move past this and start over. I’m not there yet but I will be in my own time.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
blogs and moving
We are moving on Saturday I can’t think too hard about it or I start having seizure symptoms from the stress. I am excited but even that puts my body under stress. I just keep reminding myself that I just need to make it through the move and the first few weeks. Then I will feel more relaxed and confident about the move. There is just so much pressure on this move to be so many different things. A positive thing for my marriage. A chance to give Bella some more stability and hopefully improve her behavior. It also will hopefully be the start of Blake and I improving our finances even further and a fresh start. With all that expected from this move it’s no wonder I am feeling so overwhelmed by it.
So now the plan is to learn to relax. To plan and be organized so that there is less to be stressed about. Through my occupational rehab we are working on guided imagery to bring my heart rate down, help my breathing level out. Then to be able to focus on one problem or concern at a time and put the rest away.
I’m also a big fan of distraction. My new way to distract is by checking out blogs. There are so many beautiful, funny and inspiring blogs to read out there.
A few of my favorites:
1 http://www.kellehampton.com/ Enjoying the small things. An amazing blog that is a pleasure to read. It also is full of wonderful photography which I am inspired by. Check it out and enjoy. So many amazing ideas about things to do with Isabella and how to just be happier.aslso a big source of inspiration in my own blog. She is who I would choose to be when I grow up if I coulld choose.
2. http://celebrationsathome.blogspot.com/ Fun site with lots of party ideas. Also has some great pictures. Might even try a few with Isabella’s birthday coming up soon.
3. http://www.cakewrecks.com/ a hilarious blog about horrible professional cakes.
4. http://www.knock-offwood.com/ a blog about building furniture. Someday I hope to try to build something off of here.
There are so many more but these are a few that I visit frequently. My hope is also to keep working on my blog and pursuing photography. It isn’t easy for me to take pictures now with how week my hand is. The hope is someday to have people come to my blog and be inspired by what I have to say and what I do. The next few years are going to be quite a journey. Hopefully how I handle it and what I make from it will help someone. If you have a favorite blog please leave a link to it in the comments. I would love to hear of some new blogs I haven’t discovered yet.
I will not post for a few days with moving. But hopefully will have some pictures of the new place when I return.
So now the plan is to learn to relax. To plan and be organized so that there is less to be stressed about. Through my occupational rehab we are working on guided imagery to bring my heart rate down, help my breathing level out. Then to be able to focus on one problem or concern at a time and put the rest away.
I’m also a big fan of distraction. My new way to distract is by checking out blogs. There are so many beautiful, funny and inspiring blogs to read out there.
A few of my favorites:
1 http://www.kellehampton.com/ Enjoying the small things. An amazing blog that is a pleasure to read. It also is full of wonderful photography which I am inspired by. Check it out and enjoy. So many amazing ideas about things to do with Isabella and how to just be happier.aslso a big source of inspiration in my own blog. She is who I would choose to be when I grow up if I coulld choose.
2. http://celebrationsathome.blogspot.com/ Fun site with lots of party ideas. Also has some great pictures. Might even try a few with Isabella’s birthday coming up soon.
3. http://www.cakewrecks.com/ a hilarious blog about horrible professional cakes.
4. http://www.knock-offwood.com/ a blog about building furniture. Someday I hope to try to build something off of here.
There are so many more but these are a few that I visit frequently. My hope is also to keep working on my blog and pursuing photography. It isn’t easy for me to take pictures now with how week my hand is. The hope is someday to have people come to my blog and be inspired by what I have to say and what I do. The next few years are going to be quite a journey. Hopefully how I handle it and what I make from it will help someone. If you have a favorite blog please leave a link to it in the comments. I would love to hear of some new blogs I haven’t discovered yet.
I will not post for a few days with moving. But hopefully will have some pictures of the new place when I return.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
A bit of thanks
There are people who need to be thanked. 5 months ago I would never have imagined the ways in which people could surprise me. If asked I probably would not have been able to name many people who I felt really cared about me. Now I could list so many more. There have been so many people who have shown me love. Who have reached out to me in my pain and been there.
To be specific. There is an amazing community of moms online who have offered support to me during this difficult time in my life. Sometimes just knowing that I can reach out and vent gets me through a bad moment. To know that there are virtual hugs and someone to read my words is enough. There is also a community of other people who have had strokes that I am starting to get into. Just knowing that my struggle is not unique that others have been here before and made it to the other side gives me strength.
Also a thank you to kaitlyn. We were friends in high school and through the years drifted apart. She and I have become friends again and the timing could not be better. Oh how I need a friend right now. I feel so alone in this. Even with support there are so many moments of sadness and loneliness. Having regular girl time is something I didn’t give myself in my life before the stroke but am so grateful for now. I’ve never let myself gather friends to have around me to lean on. It’s a challenge for me to trust and to be vulnerable in showing my disabilities. I have been able to do this with Kaitlyn and am learning to feel safe in having friends. To know that there are people to turn to when I need help and to cheer me up when I am sad.
As far as family goes there are many to be thankful and lots that I’m not thankful for.
Let’s start with Blake. We weren’t solid before this. We should have gotten help long ago but we didn’t. It’s easy to put the blame on Blake but I could have sought out help on my own but I always wait for Blake to be strong for me instead of being strong for myself. I haven’t been easy to deal with, or very nice since the stroke. I carry around a lot of anger and it when it breaks free it lands on whose closest which is normally him. He could have walked away. It would have been easier than dealing with me. But he’s stuck around and is with me in fighting for a new life. I don’t thank him enough but I should. There are others who have abandoned me along the way since my stroke but he hasn’t. I hope that we get to a place where we can be really happy and enjoy life but I am thankful that through this mountain of pain, sadness and fear I have him with me.
My parents I am also incredibly thankful for. They let us live with them all though it was a burden. I am not kidding when I say I am not easy to be around right now. I am angry and depressed. They have put up with this and more. Now they are helping me with moving out. With me not being able to work or drive moving out is nearly impossible but they are helping us find a way. Also my grandparents have been an amazing help to Blake and I. There is a certain amount of pride I have had to let go of these last five months. I have had to reach out and ask for help. I want to do it on my own and it’s a constant struggle to not be able to. But I have asked and all of these amazing people have stepped up and helped us how they can.
Also to all those who have said a kind word to me either on the computer or when I’ve seen you. To everyone who has said a prayer for me thanks. I truly believe I have been helped with all this love and positive energy.
Now to the person who deserves the biggest thanks. My wonderful Isabella. Someday when you are older I will tell you of how you saved me. There have been so many moments when everything in me wants to quit. When getting up to fight another day in the battle of getting well seems to be too much. It is always a choice I could choose to hide my head under the blankets and stay in bed but it’s you who pulls me up and gets me moving. You deserve to have me back and to have me whole. So I thank you my little bug for being you and being mine. I hope someday there is someone who does for you what you’ve done for me. Being a mother, your mother saved me. Your smile, your hugs, the way you worry about me and want me to get better. Sweetheart I couldn’t have made it this far without you. You gave me the strength IU didn’t know I had to fight. Stick with me baby and someday I will come all the way back to you. I will make up this year to you somehow.
So to those reading this. Leave me a comment. I need some of that support right now. Moving is pushing me to the brink of an anxiety attack.
Thanks
To be specific. There is an amazing community of moms online who have offered support to me during this difficult time in my life. Sometimes just knowing that I can reach out and vent gets me through a bad moment. To know that there are virtual hugs and someone to read my words is enough. There is also a community of other people who have had strokes that I am starting to get into. Just knowing that my struggle is not unique that others have been here before and made it to the other side gives me strength.
Also a thank you to kaitlyn. We were friends in high school and through the years drifted apart. She and I have become friends again and the timing could not be better. Oh how I need a friend right now. I feel so alone in this. Even with support there are so many moments of sadness and loneliness. Having regular girl time is something I didn’t give myself in my life before the stroke but am so grateful for now. I’ve never let myself gather friends to have around me to lean on. It’s a challenge for me to trust and to be vulnerable in showing my disabilities. I have been able to do this with Kaitlyn and am learning to feel safe in having friends. To know that there are people to turn to when I need help and to cheer me up when I am sad.
As far as family goes there are many to be thankful and lots that I’m not thankful for.
Let’s start with Blake. We weren’t solid before this. We should have gotten help long ago but we didn’t. It’s easy to put the blame on Blake but I could have sought out help on my own but I always wait for Blake to be strong for me instead of being strong for myself. I haven’t been easy to deal with, or very nice since the stroke. I carry around a lot of anger and it when it breaks free it lands on whose closest which is normally him. He could have walked away. It would have been easier than dealing with me. But he’s stuck around and is with me in fighting for a new life. I don’t thank him enough but I should. There are others who have abandoned me along the way since my stroke but he hasn’t. I hope that we get to a place where we can be really happy and enjoy life but I am thankful that through this mountain of pain, sadness and fear I have him with me.
My parents I am also incredibly thankful for. They let us live with them all though it was a burden. I am not kidding when I say I am not easy to be around right now. I am angry and depressed. They have put up with this and more. Now they are helping me with moving out. With me not being able to work or drive moving out is nearly impossible but they are helping us find a way. Also my grandparents have been an amazing help to Blake and I. There is a certain amount of pride I have had to let go of these last five months. I have had to reach out and ask for help. I want to do it on my own and it’s a constant struggle to not be able to. But I have asked and all of these amazing people have stepped up and helped us how they can.
Also to all those who have said a kind word to me either on the computer or when I’ve seen you. To everyone who has said a prayer for me thanks. I truly believe I have been helped with all this love and positive energy.
Now to the person who deserves the biggest thanks. My wonderful Isabella. Someday when you are older I will tell you of how you saved me. There have been so many moments when everything in me wants to quit. When getting up to fight another day in the battle of getting well seems to be too much. It is always a choice I could choose to hide my head under the blankets and stay in bed but it’s you who pulls me up and gets me moving. You deserve to have me back and to have me whole. So I thank you my little bug for being you and being mine. I hope someday there is someone who does for you what you’ve done for me. Being a mother, your mother saved me. Your smile, your hugs, the way you worry about me and want me to get better. Sweetheart I couldn’t have made it this far without you. You gave me the strength IU didn’t know I had to fight. Stick with me baby and someday I will come all the way back to you. I will make up this year to you somehow.
So to those reading this. Leave me a comment. I need some of that support right now. Moving is pushing me to the brink of an anxiety attack.
Thanks
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