The ABC's of me

A.- age 26
B-bed size- king
C-chore you dislike the most- laundry
D- dog? Keira she was a gift to me right before my wedding from blake

E-Essential start to your day- way too many pills and soda

F-Favorite color- Pink

G-Gold of silver- white gold or silver

H- height -5'8"

I- Instruments you've played- none

J-Job life, deli, cashier. preschool teacher, nanny

K-Kids- Isabella(4.5)

L-Live- San Diego, CA

M- Mom's name- Sheri

N- Nicknames- never really had one

O- overnight hospital stays, stayed one night when I had Isabella, stayed one month exactly when I had the stroke

P- pet peeves- people who think they know everything about everything

Q- quote from a movie- "I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek"

R- Righty or lefty for politics- Depends on the issue

S- Siblings Katrina- almost 23 Trisha almost 24

T-time you wake up on weekdays Somewhere around eight unless I can get up later

U-Underwear- one of the few items of clothing I like buying. 

V-Vegetable You don't like- Green beans never have liked them

W-What makes you late- over sleeping and Isabella taking forever

X- X-ray you have had- about a million most recent was dental

Y- Yummy food you make- tacos

Z- zoo animal favorite- lion cubs





the pool

So to embrace steps I'm making and acknowledge progress.  Here is where I am right now.  Bella and I went swimming.  Alone.  I trusted myself to take her to the pool.  It is shallow and I had my cell phone close by.  She loved it and I enjoyed getting to do something with her on my own.  Mama and Bella moments are rare.  She loves the pool.  She doesn't know how to swim yet but that is one of our summer goals. 





comforting.

It's comforting to know people have the same problems I do.  Maybe not health wise but life wise.  Problems with their husbands or with their children.  I got married young and started dating in high school.  I never had other boyfriends or relationships.  So when the husband and I have problems I sometimes worry that maybe it's not normal.  I know that everyone has problems but to know that things he does that make me crazy other husbands are doing to their wives is comforting.  Same thing with dealing with Isabella.  She is a handful  and each year brings new challenges.  So knowing that other moms are struggling over dinnertime with their four year olds. 

roles.

I mean to post more but typing is a pain.  I can only type with my right hand because my left doesn't like to do the fine motor skills needed to type.  I try it occasionally but I'm not there yet.  I can type pretty fast with one hand.  It's just a lot slower than I was use to So my thoughts go much faster than the words can get on the screen  So most of the time I don't bother. 

So if I want to be thought of as more than the girl who had the stroke, which is how I see myself and how I feel others view me.  I need to figure out who I am and adjust how I see myself.  This wasn't something I was good at before and I've lost a few titles along recovery which makes it harder.  I can't work so I have no title there. I use to be a nanny and before that a preschool teacher.  I liked working with kids and although I don't think I would do that forever I know it's not a field I would go back to now. My body just can't keep up with so many kids.  I don't know when I can go back to work.  A lot of women can define themselves as either a work out of the home mom which I'm not  or a stay at home mom, which I have trouble defining myself as.  I have to put Bella in school becausse I can't handle her alone five days a week.  I also don't do great my time I'm home alone with her.  I could be a good stay at home mom I believe if things were different, but as it is now I' don't think of myself as one.  So what am I.  I guess unemployed but that doesn't seem a fair description.  I would work if I could.  I'm dissabled.  I get paid for having a dissability and that's my contribution to this family.  But that defines me by my stroke again which is what I'm trying to avoid. 

I'm a wife.  Which I've been for six and a half years.  Blake loves me and I love him but I'm not great at the marriage thing.  I suffer from deppression which makes me difficult to deal with.  I also need Blake to be more of a caretaker than is fair to him.  I need to work on being a wife more.  Putting my marriage as more of a priority and being a nicer person. The problem is also that the stroke has wormed itself into my marriage.  It's a third wheel in this marriage.  Our roles had to shift and change.  Although some of those changes were necessary it hasn't been easy.  We have to plan around my abilities.  There are things we can't do because I'm not able to.  My personality has changed. I've struggled with depression which has affected our relationship. 
The same thing with being a mother.  I've veen a mother since I got a positive on a pregnancy test five years ago this month.  I know in my head that Isabella still loves me the same since the stroke and that she likes having me as a mom but I doubt myself.   I see the things I want to do with her and can't. Yhings like drive to town and get an ice cream, go to the park, visit family and I can't do these things and I feel like I'm letting her down.  My defining characteristic 15 months ago was mother.  Now I don't feel as strong in that role and it's a struggle. 
So now I have to keep working on defining myself with new roles.  Also taking the roles I have and making myself better at them  It's the only way I know to make the role of stroke victim/survivor less important.  What roles are most important in your life?

One year mark!

So I'm hours away from the one year mark. It is a big milestone from me. My therapist says what I've gone through is similar to having someone you care about die. I had to grieve and go through many of the same steps dealing with the stroke as I would have to go through if someone died unexpectedly. So the aniversary of that day is hard. My life changed so drastically that day and I'm still trying to process it all. It's getting easier in some areas but not in all areas.

If I could have the body I had a year ago I would take it. I want a fully functional leg and arm and all my sensation back. I want to be able to walk without a brace on or to wear sandals again. I want to be able to lifta pot of noodles of the stove to drain it without being worried its going to fall out of my hand I want to be able to get in the bath without having to first check the temperature with my right hand because I donr want to step in with my left foot and burn it because I can't tell temperature that well. It takes awhile for the heat signals to reach a part of my brain that understands. That delay could lead to a serious burn. I want to be able to feel bella or Blake's touch on my left side. I want to have the option of doing things I haven't done before but would be fun to try. I've never been snowboarding and only skiing oce now I can't. I wan't to help Bella ride her bike but it's to hard for me. Which means she has to be told no she can't ride it until a day her dad is home. I want to not have to be on a bunch of medications which make me tired and sometimes unable to sleep. I complained about my body before. I wanted to lose weight get in shape and although those things would still be nice I don't really care anymore I just want my body to work.

I like some of the changes that have come out of this situation though. I'm more of a fighter. I have been through hell and come out of it so really world what can you throw at me. If something doesn't feel right or makes me uncomfortable I speak up for myself. Something we should all do because we deserve to but I was never very good at it. I don't ever want to get to the level of stress I was dealing with when the stroke happened, in case that is a part of the reason it happened in the first place. so if that means calling people out on things or sticking up for myself then I will do it. Because all though I'm a people pleaser no ones feelings are worth having another stroke. I'm sure I've pissed some people off this year and I'm sorry for that but I would do it again and I wish I had done it more often in the past.

I'm also learning more about myself. What makes me smile and what I care about. When you get married and have children really young. You sometimes skip those years of learning about yourself So I'm doing it now. I haven't had to work or be in school all year which has given me time that you normally would not have as an adult. I couldn't have really told you anything about myself a year ago I just got through each day and did what needed to be done. It isn't a way to live your life. Never really being happy or liking anything. I'm getting better at finding my joy. I want my life to be bigger and fuller and for the first time believe that it can be.

I wouldn't want to give this new outlook back.

I know this blog has been very focused on the stroke and it might get a bit repetitive at times. But this first year I owed it to myself to focus only on my recovery. Now it's time to see where I can go from here. I will still give updates on how my progress is going. But I am going to try to balance school, married life, motherhood and fun with stroke. Thanks for dealing with me this year. To the people in my real life who have been there through this year thank you and U I hope you have seen good changes in me.

(dancing in dress up clothes)

( "drinking" diet coke")

Almost at a year!

So in one week it will be a year since the stroke. It is hard to explain how that makes me feel. A part of me is grateful for my recovery as well as proud of my progress. But then there is that part of me that is unsure if I've done enough, learned enough, improved enough this year. That's one of the downsides to having so few people my age, in their twenties, having strokes there is no typical timeline. So there is no way to judge where I'm at. It will be a week of reflection that I'm sure. I will have to think back to what happened a year ago. What I went through, how that changed me, I'm hoping it wont be too painful to remember but I need to. I need to look hard at where I was and where I started this journey of recovery. I'm planing to go back to the hospital to the rehab floor where I spent a few weeks. I think I need to force myself to remember the worst of it so that maybe I can see where I am now a little clearer.

I have changed a lot in the past year. I see what I want with more clarity. I am my own person to a stronger degree. I stand up for myself more and have really taken a hard look at myself and my flaws this year. For our lives are made up of defining moments and this year contained one of mine. But this was just the start. The first year post stroke. The start of the rebuild. Year two will be even greater.

a cause that is close to my heart.

So one of the ways I get myself in a better mood is too follow blogs of people who inspire me. One of my favorites is enjoying the small things by kelle hampton. Her daughter Nella was born in January of last year and has down syndrom. There family has had a trying year with many ups and downs but through it all thry have maintained a positive outlook and been such an inspiration to me. I really recomend this blog if you are looking for an entertaining and inspiring blog to follow. Right now in celebration of Nella's first birthday they are doing a fundraiser. I have donated a little and I encourage you to check it out and donate a little if you are able to. There are a lot of wonderful children who have down syndrom and need a little extra help. This is a hard world when you have a disability and all these children deserve a better future. Its a cause I really believe in. Please at least check it out. If I could I would donate what she needs to reach her goal but I do not have that much to give. So I am doing what I can and spreading the information to those I know that haven't heard of her. Help a mom help her daughter. So many of you are parents and know what it means to want the best for your child.

Kelle has really helped me this year in reminding me to stay positive and not let the negative circumstances in my life get me down. It's been a struggle but reading her uplifting words has really helped. So help me return something good to her.

kellehamptom.com ( there is a link to where you can donate in the first post.

feeling better.

I'm not an optimist. Not even close. Some of it comes from the wonderfulness of depression I've gained this year. Some of it is just me. My glass is't just have empty sometimes I'm not sure if I even have a glass anymore. I feel overwhelmed by the burden of sadness. The thing is I want to be happy. I want to be ridiculously cheerful and almost obnoxiously optimistic. It's just hard. It's a part of me that has always been weak and now has completly atrophied with the stroke. I guess it's just one more part of me I have to strengthen I just don't even know where to begin. Smiling, laughing, thinking good thoughts have all become so foreign to me and I don't know how to change this around. Any great ideas out there. Keave me a comment here or somewhere else if you know me better. Help me fix this before it gets worse.

resolutions for 2011

So here they come. Resolutions for 2011. I need this year so badly to go smooth. I haven't had a good year the last couple of years. 2009 my husband, Blake was in a car accident because he passed out while driving. We found outhat the passing out was actually a seizure caused by epilepsy. so 2009 was a rough year. Then our cat died also the same month as the accident. Then 1010 was the stroke. Then it's been a series of bad decisions financially. So this year i am going to do my best to have an amazing year. So what do I resolve to do this year.

1. Blake and I are only going to go to target /walmart 12 times this year. that means we will have to plan out what we get better and not impulse buy. I'm hoping this will help with not over spending and also with not bringing in more unneeded things into our house.

2. pay off all debt. We don't really have too much but with me only getting dissability and not being able to work we can't pay down a lot each month. We have a little in credit card debt, the remainder of what we owe on Blakes car and my medical bills which isnt too bad thanks to good insurance. It would just be nice to not have any debt hanging over us.

3.Loose some weight. I would like to lose about 30 to 40 pounds I think if I commit to doing it I should be able to do it pretty quickly. I don't try at all now so a little effort should go far.

4. start school again and do well this year. I need to make up for the year lost do to the stroke. I'm starting slowly but if it goes well I can take more classes next semester.

5. Above all do my best to keep my family healthy. colds, flu are going to happen but no hospital stays or major illness or injury.

2010's resolutions

So with 2010 coming to a close and 2011 about to start its time for some new resolutions but lets see how I did this year.

1move by valentines day. technically I did move on Feb 1 but had to move back in Moved back but was out again by July. I'm counting this a success.

2. go on more dates. I think we could have been better about this but we still had a few.

3. I had three goals having to do with being a better mom more patient, less TV time more activities. These didn't go so well but to be honest I'm just glad I made it through this year. I also got Bella into school which gives her more socialization and activities.

4. do a 5k. technically I was there but I was pushed in a wheelchai the whole way but again not my choice or fault.

5. drink less soda. This one I failed at. Its my fault

So as a whole I didn't do so well but I only had a month before the stroke so I didn't have a real year to get things accomplished.
So I'm going to make new resolutions for this year and I hope I get the full year to do them I hope to make a post about them tomorrow

Christmas is coming

so one week till Christmas and I 'm really excited. I need some good moments. I'm doing pretty well in my recovery and I've improved a lot. I'm still suffering emotionally a lot. My stress levels and depression are still effecting me. I need some joy and to have something to be excited about and I'm excited about Christmas. Bella is going to be so much fun this year. She is really starting to understand all the traditions and getting excited about Santa coming.

I know we are going to be overloaded with presents over the next two weeks and while I'm not excited about having more stuff in our house she is going to love it. I want her to love all the other things about Christmas and not just the presents. The baking and eating. The spending time with others. She does like those things and wewe try to balance that with liking presents. There is still a lot to do to get ready for all the christmas gatherings we have. I just am not very fast anymore I'm recovering pretty well physically but I still move slower and not as controlled. I need to do more recovery emotionally. I'm still pretty depressed and have a lot of anxiety. I'm trying to get through this but it's difficult. I'm just trying to enjoy things more and look at the good things.

This is whyI'm excited about Christmas.

coming back!

So it’s almost time. We are closing in on the end of 2010. And boy do I want to say goodbye. I need to start new and see if 2011 can bring me the joy and happiness that was so lacking this year. There have been good moments, sweet moments that got me through but it was hard and I’m ready to move on. First there are a couple more moments to make? Some thanksgiving turkey and family gathered round. Then so many Christmas events to enjoy. Some special time with my girl and sharing a little love with my Kilee and Austen. I can start to appreciate what this year has taught me and given me and the only thing I can hope is that I take these lessons learned and bring them with me into this New Year. A new year where I have my health. That I have truly learned from my past. I want to grow and learn even more this year
Because what I’ve learned most is that if I have this I’m going to end up all right.

I'm finally starting to get back into taking pictures and enjoying things again. Hopefully that means I will post more and have more of Isabella and my life to share soon. It all kind of disappeared for awhile after the stroke but I'm slowly getting there.

what I've discovered.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted but I’m trying to get some perspective on why the stroke happened, what it will change in me and how to go forward from here. I’ve been stuck for a long time now going through the motions but not really living for a long time. I have to believe this all happened for a reason and someday I will look back and know what I learned and what I’ve gained during these years of recovery. So far this is what I’ve got. The stroke saved my marriage. This would have been the year I got a divorce. We had strayed so far off course that we couldn’t get back. I was running running every day but getting no closer to Blake. We knew things were bad but couldn’t seem to do anything about it. We needed our lives to explode so we could see if we could put things back together and somehow we are starting to. I hope that the future has us stronger and more connected than ever. But it was this year that started it.
I’ve also discovered a backbone in myself that’s never been there before. I have discovered how to stand up for myself which I’ve never done before. I’ve realized that there is some fight in me and I will take out whoever is in my way of getting better. I’m still sensitive but I’m beginning to discover that I have to be just as worried about my feelings as I am about everyone else’s.
I hope there’s more and that things get better from this point forward.

goals and plea for help

So it has occurred to me that I need to set what my goals are in this transformation of my life. There is so much that needs changing, improving and to be worked on. So let’s break this down.

1. I need to commit to getting my arm and leg stronger. The stronger they get the more connections being made to my brain, so the more I will be able to use them In order to do this I need to start really pushing myself in therapy and to do my at home exercises. I was never big on exercise before so its no surprise that I don’t want to do it now.
2. I need to get healthy emotionally. The depression is making it hard to work my hardest. I need to find the right medication and the right therapist. I’m working on finding what works for me. I also need to find a way to make myself happier. If you are reading this give me suggestions. I need fresh ideas. Leave a comment
3. I need to organize this house its hard and I am trying but I am not doing great. I have found some organizing websites so hopefully I will get some ideas to help me.
So here is my attempt to take a first step. Towards a better life.
So any ideas would be appreciated.

Love

Let’s begin with love. The first and most obvious of what I love is Isabella. I am consumed by my love with her. She is funny and smart and a challenge. She doesn’t seem like me at all, even though others can see traits we have in commonI don’t see them. She is a tornado. She blows in and will take down anything in her path. Her energy the never ending energy that overwhelms me because my natural speed is much lower. She makes me happy and I'm glad to be her mom.
I also love that we moved. Our move there is so much more to be done but we are getting there. It happened and I survived. There were moments of nervousness where I was afraid that history would find a way to repeat itself. Not so much that another stroke would happen, although that thought was there, but more so that something would happen to pull the rug out from underneath me again. That I would get so close and everything would fall apart again. I knew that I had more control this time. That we had more help and support than last time. The stress could be kept under control this time which would go a long way to keeping me ok. So it happened. All of the stuff has been moved and we are starting to unpack and organize. It’s a big project and I’m getting a lot of help because there is no way I could do it alone. I will have pictures of it at some point bit I’m not ready to share. I need to do more to make it feel like mine.
Photography something else love but haven’t been sharing much of lately. My slowness makes me insecure when taking pictures so there are less to share. As I can move better and quicker I hope to do more. I so deeply believe in photographing your life, especially the lives of children. It changes so fast and I want to capture it. Trap these moments in her life when she’s little and mine and keep them a while longer. The time will come soon enough where my presence is no longer wanted so I want these moments now to last.
Cousins. So many good cousin moments coming up for Bella. She is going to Disneyland for three days with Maryssa. She doesn’t know this. To spare me the never ending question if it’s today that she gets to go. Then Kilee gets her cast off at the end of the month. These two girls want to play and run together and finally they will have the chance. My baby’s joy is my joy and I can’t wait for her to have these moments.

shifting gears

Now I know this blog gets a little dark and down in mood sometimes. Before all this happened this year I had the tendency to view my glass as half empty all the time. I saw things with the opposite of rose colored glasses. I was probably dealing with some mild depression but didn’t realize it or want to accept it. Now it’s uncontrollable. The emotions are just there. Emotions bubbling right below the surface ready to escape at any moment. All different types of emotions. Without warning here comes anger, hot raging explosive anger. Then here come the tears. Gut wrenching sobs that make my head hurt from crying so hard, although a good cry sometimes helps relieve the pressure. I can’t stop though the tears aren’t in my power to control. The depression is there now. It isn’t even possible to hide or deny now But really I don’t care. I have reasons to be depressed. Though the level to which I am sometimes worries me. Hopefully my brain will continue to heal and my emotions will get easier to control. Until then I will keep trying to find a therapist who works and the right dosage of anti-depressants. I’m also trying to find good emotions. I f I’m going to be over powered by an emotion then lets pick some new ones. How about happiness, love, excitement, I can handle intense bouts of love. So now my new focus is to make posts about what I’m happy about instead of what’s wrong. At this point picking out what’s bad is too easy I can find plenty to complain about, as can most people I’ve realized. Instead I will break up the negative with some positive. Here we go

my dream

I have this dream that someday I will just be Karissa again and not the girl who at 25 had a stroke. It is what I am defined by and what I am known for now. There are moments where I almost forget that it happened. Where instinct takes over and I almost take a step before the realization that walking isn’t a part of who I am now hits me like a bus. It hurts every time. That glorious second where I almost feel whole gets replaced by the intense pain at the reminder that I’m not. I know that I will probably get better at some point or at least mostly better. But I ask of you, all of you who say to me you will be 100% or at least 90-95% back to normal right as if that should make me feel better. Right now what 5-10% of you would you be ok to lose? Probably can’t answer that because who wants to feel less than whole. Well I don’t either I want everything back. I want to be 100 % back to who I was physically and While we’re at it I want this year back too. I want a chance to be care free again and enjoy being 25. I want to go back to the time where I don’t wonder if I will wake up when I go to sleep at night. Also can I have the people back that I’ve lost since the stroke? The people who say it’s not the stroke that made us turn our backs on you but I still believe the stroke played a part. Can I have them back? For everything I’ve gained and learned from the stroke can I have that back in return. I have gained a lot. Like moving out and new friends. An appreciation of the fact that I’m still alive. So many moments which were made possible by the stroke. For now though I wait. Wait for the moment to come where I get to forget for an hour, a day a week a month maybe even a year that I had a stroke. That my life and body are so back to normal that it doesn’t even cross my mind. People do that they heal and move on and imagining that day is what keeps me normal. So do me a favor and enjoy it. Live life to its fullest. Stop complaining about work, and just be grateful for your life. I am trying to be and my struggles are greater than a job. Wait for me I ask you to wait for me while I work on breaking free from the prison of this stroke. Give me a chance to heal and strengthen. Don’t put your expectations on me about how I should feel, heal and deal with things. In return I will do my best to come back to you. To move past this and start over. I’m not there yet but I will be in my own time.

blogs and moving

We are moving on Saturday I can’t think too hard about it or I start having seizure symptoms from the stress. I am excited but even that puts my body under stress. I just keep reminding myself that I just need to make it through the move and the first few weeks. Then I will feel more relaxed and confident about the move. There is just so much pressure on this move to be so many different things. A positive thing for my marriage. A chance to give Bella some more stability and hopefully improve her behavior. It also will hopefully be the start of Blake and I improving our finances even further and a fresh start. With all that expected from this move it’s no wonder I am feeling so overwhelmed by it.

So now the plan is to learn to relax. To plan and be organized so that there is less to be stressed about. Through my occupational rehab we are working on guided imagery to bring my heart rate down, help my breathing level out. Then to be able to focus on one problem or concern at a time and put the rest away.
I’m also a big fan of distraction. My new way to distract is by checking out blogs. There are so many beautiful, funny and inspiring blogs to read out there.

A few of my favorites:
1 http://www.kellehampton.com/ Enjoying the small things. An amazing blog that is a pleasure to read. It also is full of wonderful photography which I am inspired by. Check it out and enjoy. So many amazing ideas about things to do with Isabella and how to just be happier.aslso a big source of inspiration in my own blog. She is who I would choose to be when I grow up if I coulld choose.

2. http://celebrationsathome.blogspot.com/ Fun site with lots of party ideas. Also has some great pictures. Might even try a few with Isabella’s birthday coming up soon.
3. http://www.cakewrecks.com/ a hilarious blog about horrible professional cakes.
4. http://www.knock-offwood.com/ a blog about building furniture. Someday I hope to try to build something off of here.

There are so many more but these are a few that I visit frequently. My hope is also to keep working on my blog and pursuing photography. It isn’t easy for me to take pictures now with how week my hand is. The hope is someday to have people come to my blog and be inspired by what I have to say and what I do. The next few years are going to be quite a journey. Hopefully how I handle it and what I make from it will help someone. If you have a favorite blog please leave a link to it in the comments. I would love to hear of some new blogs I haven’t discovered yet.
I will not post for a few days with moving. But hopefully will have some pictures of the new place when I return.

A bit of thanks

There are people who need to be thanked. 5 months ago I would never have imagined the ways in which people could surprise me. If asked I probably would not have been able to name many people who I felt really cared about me. Now I could list so many more. There have been so many people who have shown me love. Who have reached out to me in my pain and been there.
To be specific. There is an amazing community of moms online who have offered support to me during this difficult time in my life. Sometimes just knowing that I can reach out and vent gets me through a bad moment. To know that there are virtual hugs and someone to read my words is enough. There is also a community of other people who have had strokes that I am starting to get into. Just knowing that my struggle is not unique that others have been here before and made it to the other side gives me strength.
Also a thank you to kaitlyn. We were friends in high school and through the years drifted apart. She and I have become friends again and the timing could not be better. Oh how I need a friend right now. I feel so alone in this. Even with support there are so many moments of sadness and loneliness. Having regular girl time is something I didn’t give myself in my life before the stroke but am so grateful for now. I’ve never let myself gather friends to have around me to lean on. It’s a challenge for me to trust and to be vulnerable in showing my disabilities. I have been able to do this with Kaitlyn and am learning to feel safe in having friends. To know that there are people to turn to when I need help and to cheer me up when I am sad.
As far as family goes there are many to be thankful and lots that I’m not thankful for.
Let’s start with Blake. We weren’t solid before this. We should have gotten help long ago but we didn’t. It’s easy to put the blame on Blake but I could have sought out help on my own but I always wait for Blake to be strong for me instead of being strong for myself. I haven’t been easy to deal with, or very nice since the stroke. I carry around a lot of anger and it when it breaks free it lands on whose closest which is normally him. He could have walked away. It would have been easier than dealing with me. But he’s stuck around and is with me in fighting for a new life. I don’t thank him enough but I should. There are others who have abandoned me along the way since my stroke but he hasn’t. I hope that we get to a place where we can be really happy and enjoy life but I am thankful that through this mountain of pain, sadness and fear I have him with me.
My parents I am also incredibly thankful for. They let us live with them all though it was a burden. I am not kidding when I say I am not easy to be around right now. I am angry and depressed. They have put up with this and more. Now they are helping me with moving out. With me not being able to work or drive moving out is nearly impossible but they are helping us find a way. Also my grandparents have been an amazing help to Blake and I. There is a certain amount of pride I have had to let go of these last five months. I have had to reach out and ask for help. I want to do it on my own and it’s a constant struggle to not be able to. But I have asked and all of these amazing people have stepped up and helped us how they can.
Also to all those who have said a kind word to me either on the computer or when I’ve seen you. To everyone who has said a prayer for me thanks. I truly believe I have been helped with all this love and positive energy.
Now to the person who deserves the biggest thanks. My wonderful Isabella. Someday when you are older I will tell you of how you saved me. There have been so many moments when everything in me wants to quit. When getting up to fight another day in the battle of getting well seems to be too much. It is always a choice I could choose to hide my head under the blankets and stay in bed but it’s you who pulls me up and gets me moving. You deserve to have me back and to have me whole. So I thank you my little bug for being you and being mine. I hope someday there is someone who does for you what you’ve done for me. Being a mother, your mother saved me. Your smile, your hugs, the way you worry about me and want me to get better. Sweetheart I couldn’t have made it this far without you. You gave me the strength IU didn’t know I had to fight. Stick with me baby and someday I will come all the way back to you. I will make up this year to you somehow.


So to those reading this. Leave me a comment. I need some of that support right now. Moving is pushing me to the brink of an anxiety attack.
Thanks

Our big news!

So our big news is... we are moving. An amazing opportunity came to us which will allow us to move out next week. We are moving into a mobile home for an amazing price due to family helping us out... This move gives me so many emotions to feel that I'm kind of a mess.

first I am excited. We want to be on our own. I am grateful that we have been able to live with my parents. I couldn't have gone home with just Blake and Bella. I needed help and was lucky to have it. But living with your parents with your husband and child is hard. We need our space and I am so glad to be able to move.

but there is some guilt because we are still going to be recieving help financially from family as well as support with taking care of things that I can't do, like cooking and some cleaning. Once I get disability which will hopefully be coming in the next couple months we wont need help. Also Blake is looking for a second job which will allow us to not need as much financial help. I just struggle with guilt over not being able to work.

I also have a good amount of fear. We were so close with moving into the apartment and then my world exploded. I'm not exactly afraid of another stroke but just of something coming along to take away this opportunity. I have a hard time trusting anything good right now. Hopefullyafter we get moved in and nothing bad happens I will begn to trust again.

I'm in therapy to help me with all of these emotions as well as all the others that I go through with dealing with the stroke. I have been trying to work through them but a lot of change and no stability in my world scares me. I hope to be able to use this blog to journal what I'm going through and to share our joy with this move.